What Is Today, Anyway?

I have decided to work on a short animation with a goal of entering a film festival with it.  Genna brought to light that most people get noticed and hired through such work.  So, I thought, "Why not?  If it'll help, then I'll give it a try."  As of right now, I'm plotting a story concept in my head.  Hopefully something will come to light soon.

Something simple.  I play too many RPG's, I think.  Every idea that I think of is overly epic and long.  I don't need something long, just something simple.  Eh.  What am I saying?  I love playing RPG's.  Right now, I'm playing Final Fantasy X again.  I don't care what other people say...  I love that game!  Even the fighting system.  I never get tired of fighting in that game like I do most others.  But I digress.....

In other news:  MY TOOTH CHIPPED!!!  I know I have terrible teeth (wish I had the money to fix them) but now this one hurts.  HURTS.  Of all things to happen.  Way to make me feel ugly AND make me be in pain, tooth!  I got no one or thing to blame but myself.  This has been years in the making.... years of me being dirt poor, that is.  No excuses!  I'm just angry.  And in pain.

Oh well.  Back to brainstorming!

A Shrouded Mess

I realized today that it's been a while since i last blogged.  So much, yet so little, has happened over the past few weeks that I'm not quite sure where to begin.  There is a clouded conglomerate of emotions that I'm feeling right now that I can't figure out how to express them or how I feel.  It's strange, but writing out everything that I feel helps me in situations like this.  Hopefully along the way I can tell you guys exactly how I'm getting along in this life after graduation, too.

I feel like an idiot and a failure for letting job opportunities get away from me.  Mostly an idiot.  I know that there are a ton of people out there that are better than I am, but there were a couple that I could have had if I tried harder or applied a different approach in correspondence.  Letting one get away was far too many for me.  I know that every company/person has their own level of professionalism that they look for.  It's incredibly frustrating to expect every interviewee to be the perfect reflection of corporate America that they see in their mind's eye.  My brother actually was passed over for a job because he wore a blue suit instead of a black one.  Apparently, blue isn't "professional" enough.  ...What?  Seriously?

Despite the exhaustive job search, which is never fun no matter what job you're searching for, I think I'm doing good.  I can't tell if I'm homesick, if I miss certain members in my family, or if I realized that I'm not going home after the quarter that I didn't attend.  My routine is so completely out of wack that I almost feel a little lost.  Lost or bummed?  I'm not sure.  There are connections in my family that I need for sustenance.  Focus and inspiration is also what I need, and I've been trying to get it back.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed exactly how many thick walls I have guarding myself.  It's painful to see that I'm holding the man that I love back at arms length because of the pain I've been through in the past.  It kind of makes me dislike myself and it's causing me to seriously reevaluate my core mechanics.  This really came to light when I gave my nephew relationship advice.  I realized that his closed off, now ex-girlfriend bared a lot of resemblance to me.  Well, now that all of this is in the light, it's time to fix it and change for the better.

Is this what people go through to "reinvent" themselves?  Or am I thinking of something else entirely?  I do feel better after sorting through that shrouded mess of emotions boiling around in my head.  I hope this finds you all in high spirits and in great health!  Good luck to us all!  I know we'll get there... someday soon.

Longest Week

I've been moving onward and upward after the confidence fiasco with my last promising job.  I've scoured the job boards day after day.  I swear I'm looking at the same stuff over and over again.  I've applied to a wide array of companies for a variety of positions.  I feel like I've been sitting in the same spot for a week straight.

Oh wait.  I have.

That being said, this week has been pretty slow.  Although I'm working towards eventual employment, I feel absolutely useless and somewhat alone.  I'm quite isolated out here at Andrew's, and I feel it every time he leaves to game with his buds.  The Earth will stop spinning before I ever think of stopping him.  And the impact of this is fading over time.  There are a few things I can do to fix that.... one of them being a car.  I have a few solutions to this, but first I have to change my driver's license over to a Pennsylvania one.  More on that later.  As for the car situation, leasing is my best option.  Especially considering that monthly renting is close to or over 1,000.

As for changing my license, I've been hesitant.  It's not that I can't or don't know how to switch it over here in Pennsylvania, it's just personal.  I don't want to turn over my Michigan license.  I feel as if I won't be a Michigander anymore once I change it.  Like I won't belong there.  And if I don't belong there... and I don't really don't have a place here, then I'm kinda.  Homeless.  How to explain this, cause it's not as cut and dry as what it sounds...  This isn't my place.  It's Andrew's.  The house he grew up in.  I will always be eternally grateful for being able to stay here while I get things going.  And, as corny as this sounds, I feel like I belong with Andrew and I know it.  I'm just ready to get things going again.  I was so busy during school, and now it's slower than molasses in January.  In Michigan, that is.

I'll type up more later.  Right now, I'm tired.

The Plan

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.  First and foremost, let me tell you that I don't like the idea of the day.  It makes people, who usually don't do something special for their loved ones, do something miraculous.  I'm the type of person that would rather you show your love, as I do, year round, not just on one day because society demands it.  It takes the romance out of a relationship.  "Oh, you did this for me only because you felt you had to."  It cheapens love and makes a quiet mockery of it.  I frown upon anything that mocks the heart or forces me to do something because it's standard.  Yes, I hate standardized tests, too.  That's why I never took the SAT.

But being Andrew's first non-single Valentine's Day, he insisted he would get me something.  Then, on Wednesday, he told me he couldn't because there will bills he had to pay.  It bummed him out, so I devised a plan.  I decided to make him a card and buy him some of his favorite candy to show that he didn't have to, that I loved him anyway.  So, when he went to play Dark Heresy with his pals, I was getting high off of rubber cement and a metallic silver gel pen while little bits of cut paper was sticking to my fingers.  I took care to write, "I love you," instead of, "Happy Valentine's Day."  Needless to say, it had the reverse effect that I had wanted, but he said it was the best present he had ever received.  Later, we Ihop'ed it up with a two for one coupon.

On Friday, it was my brother David's birthday.  He works full time during the day, and goes to school full time at night, so his schedule makes it hard to get a hold of him.  He said I was the only one to call him back, which I thought was a little sad.  He had said that he was a little disappointed in his birthday because of the lack of interest from our family.  I felt so bad.  I wish I could have been there to party with him or had the money to send him a card.  He expected more from his 30th, and rightly so.  It made me wonder about my birthday, too...

As for right now, I'm looking for a way to rent a car so I can go after the jobs that aren't limited by public transportation.  I'm also working on switching my license over to Pennsylvania.  That would make things a lot smoother on my part.  I'm kinda tired of getting a suspicious glance when people look at my license.  Yes, it's me!

Damn it.

Pennsylvania is Kinda Lonely

Since this whole ordeal over my once promising interview, I've been kinda depressed.  It made me look at my life through shards of a broken mirror.  There were pieces that had the vision of what I wanted and where I would like to be, and then there was where I'm at now.  They're broken apart... and as of right now, I feel like I'm never going to achieve them.

I know I shouldn't have, but when the interviews and calls started coming in, I started making plans.  For starters, I need a car.  I'm a fiercely independent person who is forced to be dependent.  That alone is enough to make me depressed, and it's killing me.  It would be slightly better if I knew the area, but I don't.  Learning the area is kinda hard for me, as well.  Yes, I know where the Wawa and the Acme are, and I have a pretty good idea of where the Wal-Mart and mall are and I can walk myself to the train station.  However, there are no sidewalks (which boggles my mind why there aren't any in the first place) and the mall requires you to walk a bit on the expressway.  I refuse to do that.  Andrew picks on me for that and it drives me crazy.  I shouldn't have to walk.  I shouldn't have to inconvenience somebody and bug them for rides.  I hate doing that so much.  Every time he picks on me about that, it brings up the fact in my mind that I've digressed to a dependent of a family that isn't mine in an area that I know little about.

I also realized, too, that I have very little friends down here.  Yes, there are all of you that I know from school, but we are separated by our schedules and the pain of public transportation.  If I had endless funds, I'd be down in Philly every day that I could.  That's saying a lot, actually, because I hate that dirty city.  And yet, here I lay on the floor of my temporary room because there is no bed, depressed after watching the things that I could have started to physically work for slip through my fingers.

One step forward.
Three steps back.

What I do want....  I want a car.  It doesn't have to be a specific year or model to start me off with.  It just has to be reliable enough to get me from place to place without stranding me in the middle of nowhere.  Or worse.... Jersey.

I want my own place.  An apartment.  And dear God I want a bed.  I'm getting to be too damn old to be sleeping on the floor or scrunched on a small couch.

I wanted to work towards having a vacation for next winter.  Somewhere where we could stand on warm sand as the water breaks around our feet as we stare into the distant horizon.  And what a beautiful horizon it would be.  We would stay at a little bed and breakfast, preferably, right down near the water in St Augustine. I've never been to Florida.  I think that would be a great place to start.

I'll get the things I want.  It's just going to take longer than what I had hoped.  Guess I'll clean up that broken glass, now.  <3

A Disappointing Day

Today was supposed to be a good day.  It's Friday.  I'm supposed to hear news of that promising job.  Instead, I get an email from Rebecca stating that it was urgent that I call her.  So I do, and, of course she's on lunch.  I swear I have the worst timing when it comes to stuff like that.

She calls me back, infuriated, telling me that her connection had contacted her and had said that he was very disappointed.  I was very unprofessional and wore sweatpants to the interview.  She knows that I don't do that.  That's not me.  Ever.  I would never do that.  I don't even own a pair of sweatpants.  It was quite possible that I was mistaken for somebody else, especially seeing as how my interview was bumped a few hours because of the snow that had fallen already and the impending snow storm.  One person conducted most of the interview until somebody came in near the end, fresh from another meeting.  They split ways afterwards, and he had to rush to another meeting.  That's how busy they were.

Everything was on their time and I was more than okay with that.  Nonetheless, it had been a brutal blow for me.  A generously long hug from Andrew and a movie later, I felt better.  I'm trying not to worry about it, but it's kinda hard.  I can't really do much about this.  It's in Rebecca's hands and I trust her completely.

Well, best of luck to the rest of you.  Keep hanging in there and things will surely turn around for all of us.

Say You Will

Today was a pretty average day, with the exception of finally getting my check.  In case I haven't mentioned it before, Isa from HR (at AI.  I was a lab monitor for a few years in the dorm building) had called me while I was still in Detroit with news of an unclaimed check.  That was three weeks ago.  Four trips down to Philly and two paper work completions later, I finally have my check.  I had to have her mail it to me because she lost it.  It came in on Friday, I went for it on Monday.  Somewhere in that short time frame, she lost my check.  She searched for quite a while before we both agreed on mailing it directly to me from corporate office in Pittsburg.

Even though I am jobless, dirt poor, and am experiencing a major family ideal breakdown, I am quite happy with how things are going in my life so far.  I am certainly better off than what I was before going to school, and, although times were extremely tough at times, I got through school.  I finally feel like I've found where I belong.  And being out here in the Philadelphia region has nothing to do with it.

It's being in this field, where I've actually taken my hobby/raw talent and changed it to a skill that I can pursue a career with.  It's being with Andrew.  It's making things work.  It's finally realizing the dreams that I thought were so far out of my reach I could only look up at them, dazzled by their light in the evening sky.  "There's no way that could be me," I thought.  But here I am, and I couldn't be happier.

On an important side note, Andrew and I went out to eat today at a chinese restaurant near his house.  Of course he finished his food before I was even half way done with mine (he eats like a vacuum and I eat slower than dirt), but after that, he gazed at me with eyes that gave me butterflies.  They were so warm, so full of love... like there was nowhere else where he would rather be at that very moment.  There is nowhere I would rather be, either.  I've found where I belong.  Time to make everything else work.