A Shrouded Mess

I realized today that it's been a while since i last blogged.  So much, yet so little, has happened over the past few weeks that I'm not quite sure where to begin.  There is a clouded conglomerate of emotions that I'm feeling right now that I can't figure out how to express them or how I feel.  It's strange, but writing out everything that I feel helps me in situations like this.  Hopefully along the way I can tell you guys exactly how I'm getting along in this life after graduation, too.

I feel like an idiot and a failure for letting job opportunities get away from me.  Mostly an idiot.  I know that there are a ton of people out there that are better than I am, but there were a couple that I could have had if I tried harder or applied a different approach in correspondence.  Letting one get away was far too many for me.  I know that every company/person has their own level of professionalism that they look for.  It's incredibly frustrating to expect every interviewee to be the perfect reflection of corporate America that they see in their mind's eye.  My brother actually was passed over for a job because he wore a blue suit instead of a black one.  Apparently, blue isn't "professional" enough.  ...What?  Seriously?

Despite the exhaustive job search, which is never fun no matter what job you're searching for, I think I'm doing good.  I can't tell if I'm homesick, if I miss certain members in my family, or if I realized that I'm not going home after the quarter that I didn't attend.  My routine is so completely out of wack that I almost feel a little lost.  Lost or bummed?  I'm not sure.  There are connections in my family that I need for sustenance.  Focus and inspiration is also what I need, and I've been trying to get it back.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed exactly how many thick walls I have guarding myself.  It's painful to see that I'm holding the man that I love back at arms length because of the pain I've been through in the past.  It kind of makes me dislike myself and it's causing me to seriously reevaluate my core mechanics.  This really came to light when I gave my nephew relationship advice.  I realized that his closed off, now ex-girlfriend bared a lot of resemblance to me.  Well, now that all of this is in the light, it's time to fix it and change for the better.

Is this what people go through to "reinvent" themselves?  Or am I thinking of something else entirely?  I do feel better after sorting through that shrouded mess of emotions boiling around in my head.  I hope this finds you all in high spirits and in great health!  Good luck to us all!  I know we'll get there... someday soon.